OWL Practice Draft #2

OWL Practice Draft #2

Note that information below relates to the fields which students complete on the “Submit an Initial Draft” form on the OWL. Print out a copy of the form so that you can review the questions that prompted the answers below.

This is exactly how a draft would appear in an email sent to you from the OWL Manager via email:

Also Note: Below you will find that when the student submitted this draft, some of her punctuation was translated into numbers and symbols.This happens occasionally. In this case, the apostrphe-s (‘s) is translated into the odd code. A tutor can usually tell what punctuation has been transformed to code, and then the tutor just ignores it.

It is important, however, in a response to a student, that the tutor explain what has happened so the writer is not confused by the numbers and symbols.

_____________________

* * * * * Writing Lab – Initial Student Paper * * * * *
Mary
Brown
email address
Phone #
On_Campus student

* * * * * To respond to student from this e-mail, use Forward, rather than Reply * * * *

FreshmanWR 115 Intro to Expox Writing

Gail Roberts

The third paper we will write for this class is a news analysis. During
the five weeks prior to this paper you will be examining one aspect of the
news in some detail.

She then explains that we are to read/watch a report about a specific news
story (that we choose, and it must be about something outside the US) once
per week for each of the next five weeks. We are to take notes which
would be used to write our papers. We are to use MLA citation format. We
are to site at least one work IN our essay.

12/6/02

Nearly done

How to find and correct micro-sentence-level errors

Analyzing the news story

My main point is that these two countries are fighting but they can’t
agree what about exactly.

The same as my other paper, I would just like to know if you see any major
weaknesses or repitition of grammatical errors. Also, please check my MLA
citations, I am pretty sure I did them correctly, but you never know. :)

Mary Brown, “Israel vs. Palestine, The Bloody Reality”

***In the bloody, on-going battle between Israel and Palestine, the death
toll is rising. To date, approximately 1,625 Palestinian and 611 Israeli
lives have been lost in the war. Sixteen Palestinians were killed and
more than one hundred wounded in one attack on Khan Younis by Israeli
tanks. Fourteen Israelis were killed, and more than fifty were injured,
as a bomb-filled SUV hit an Israeli bus.

***Why are so many lives being lost? What is the reason behind the war?
The fighting began in September of 2000 as Palestine declared its
statehood and demanded withdrawal of Israeli occupation. But since that
time each attack has had a different reason behind it, and each of these
reasons seems to be disputed. Israel, for instance, claimed that the
attacks on Khan Younis were aimed at armed militants. Yet, interviews of
the families and friends of the dead showed that only six were armed or
could have been linked to militant groups.

***Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon visited Washington DC in October to
discuss the impact of this war on our war against Iraq. Sharon stated,
“that Israel will not pay with its security the price the Arab
countries in Europe are demanding as a condition for their support in the
war to topple Saddam Hussein” (“Sharon heads to
Washington”). Sharon also made it clear that Israel would respond
only to a direct attack by Iraq. Washington has requested that Israel not
respond, as it may complicate the United State’s relations with
neighboring Arab countries. It seems unlikely that Israel will have any
participation in the war, as their military is busy battling Palestine.

***Israeli snipers, machine guns, tanks, and helicopters participated in
the firing upon Palestinians in the attack on Khan Younis in October. In
this attack sixteen Palestinians were killed; at least seven of the dead
were under the age of 18. One of the dead was a 51-year-old mother of
eight that was shot in the doorway of her home and then left to bleed to
death as her family was detained and searched. Israeli’s fired
missiles by helicopter as the rest of the tanks and army were pulling out
of town. The Israeli’s claimed that the tanks had been fired upon
from a crowd of Palestinians while retreating. Witnesses say that there
were a few armed men in the crowd that was fired upon but none were
shooting at the time.

***Israeli tanks poured into the Palestinian refugee camp, Rafah on the
border, looking for smuggled weapons and tunnels that could be used for
smuggling. The army destroyed two houses, killed two Palestinians, and
wounded some thirty others in this operation. The houses destroyed were
said to have concealed tunnels. Palestinians were wounded by machine gun
fire after at least one of the Israeli tanks was fired upon with grenades.
The operation was considered to have been successful by the Israeli Army.

***Two Palestinians reacted to the recent attacks on their homeland by
staging a suicide bombing. They loaded an SUV with explosives and slammed
it into an Israeli bus that was stopped to pick up passengers. The fuel
tank of the bus ignited, causing a second explosion. A total of 14
passengers were killed and around fifty more were wounded. The engine and
transmission of the SUV were blown approximately fifty yards from the
vehicle and were found next to a severed leg. Israeli citizens that saw
the explosion on their way to work stopped to help the wounded.
In the meantime the Israeli army had troops in settlements on the West
Bank, placing pressure on settlers to evacuate. The settlers seemed to be
holding their ground, rallying to protect their homes. The settlers had
set fire to seven Israeli vehicles. No one was injured and investigations
were to follow.

***Criticism from the United States has Israel thinking hard about what
steps to take next. The Unites States has been placing pressure on Israel
to stop the civilian casualties and also to “ease the hardships of
civilians living under curfews and blockades” (Nidal al_Mughrabi).
In accordance, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon did not call a security cabinet
meeting following the SUV bomb. (The security cabinet is usually called
upon to devise a plan of retaliation.) Prime Minister Sharon showed great
restraint by instead making a declaration that the war on terrorism would
not stop until the terrorism has been stopped.

***To date, more than 1,800 lives have been lost. Families have been torn
apart, their homes destroyed. Despite the looming war in Iraq and
pressure from European Arab nations to participate, Israel refuses to pull
their troops from Palestine. Both sides are under intense pressure from
the United States to stop the killing. The war rages on, yet every attack
seems to be for a different reason. The two countries can only agree that
the fighting will go on.“UN rights chief: Israel’s attack caused unacceptable
loss

” Reuters 8. October, 2002
<http://story.news.yahoo.com/news/tmpl=story2&cid-524&ncid=1276&e.html>

~Al-Mughrabi, Nidal, &#8220;Israeli Army Kills 2 Palestinians in
Gaza-Witnesses&#8221; Reuters 9. October, 2002

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=sory&u=nm=20021009.html

~Rice, John &#8220;Dead in bloody Gaza Strip raid were neither all
civilians, nor gunmen&#8221; Reuters 9. October, 2002

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20021009/ap_wo_en_po/pal

estinians.html

~Williams, Dan &#8220;Israeli Army kills four in Gaza Strip&#8221; Reuters
13. October 2002

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&cid=564&ncid=564^e=3&u=nm.htm

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&#8220;Sharon heads to Washington as Palestinian death toll rises&#8221;
Reuters 14. October 2002

http://asia.news.yahoo.com/021014/afp/021014111455top.html

~Bennet, James &#8220;14 Die as Bomb-Filled SUV Rams Israeli Bus&#8221;
Reuters 22. October 2002

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nyt/20021022.html

~Al-Mughrabi, Nidal &#8220;Israeli Tank Shells Kill Six in Palestinian
Camp&#8221; Reuters 24. October 2002

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&ncid=586&e=2&cid=586&u=/nm.htm

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