What Gets Left Behind

By Alix Miles

The weekend was filled with sleepless nights and constant anxiety. I would drag myself up and down the stairs of my house, because my motivation to even move had gone away. Early Sunday afternoon I lay on the couch with my sister on the other couch as we watched the show, "Scariest Places on Earth."  Neither of us spoke.  We laid there, anxious and waiting, but for what? We didn't know what to expect. The phone rang.  I jumped from the shock of noise breaking the silence between us. My sister got up and answered the phone with a quiet hello.  Was this what we were waiting for?

Annie handed me the phone, It was Paige. "There are cops driving up the dump road, Alix." Paige didn't have to say another word.  I knew what she was talking about. My body went numb as I told Annie what Paige had to say. I stood still behind the couch.  I was paralyzed.  I couldn't move. Hearing that the cops were driving up to the dump did not satisfy me. I needed to hear it all. I knew it was true, I knew he was gone, but I needed to hear it.

While it seemed like hours had passed, it was only a few minutes before the phone rang again. I didn't move towards the phone.  Annie answered again. As she listened a hopeful look in my sisters eyes sank into swelling tears. I couldn't look away.  My eyes were locked on hers. The phone clicked as she moved towards my paralyzed body. Still numb, I could feel my sister wrap her shaky arms around me, "I'm so sorry Alix."

I didn't believe it.  I refused to believe that Adam was dead. I just started walking, walking around my house because I didn't know what else to do. I found the stool in the kitchen and sat there, and as I did, my dad came in from working outside on the yard. He didn't notice that something was wrong. I couldn't tell him either, I could not tell him that they had found Adam's body, partly because I couldn't believe it yet. Annie ended the tense silence in the kitchen, "Becky's mom called and said they found his body, dad."  My dad looked at me and saw the tears welling in my eyes.  He grabbed the phone while telling my sister and I to go to the living room. There was silence again that was interrupted by low murmurs that came from the kitchen. Then there was nothing. For a long moment I heard nothing. Slow quiet footsteps descended from the kitchen to the living room. My dad came around the corner with his arms crossed tightly across his chest, and his head slowly nodding. Not making eye contact, the words "It's true" barely managed to escape his mouth in a quivering voice.

Annie lost it. My sister cried and could barely catch her breath. I sat on the couch in shock.  Numbness consumed my body again. I couldn't cry. My dad sat beside me and held me. As tears fell from his cheeks, they started falling from mine.  I lifted my body away from my dads, I had to call my mom.  She had just left earlier that morning on a business trip.  She answered her phone and instantly knew what was wrong with the tone of my voice.  "They found him mom, He's dead."  She told me to stay strong and that she'd be home later that night. 

The phone was in constant use the rest of the afternoon.  The principle of my middle school spread the word that there would be a meeting up at the school later that night for students and families who were close to Adam.  As I changed my clothes, while getting ready for the meeting, I could barely pull up my pants and button them because I was shaking so bad.  The rest of the evening is a blur to my memory; I was dead to the world until I got to the school.  Then it hit me--Adam was really gone.  Walking into the doors of the school, seeing my friends and their families crying made me fully realize it was true.  I was no longer in denial as I hugged and held my sobbing friends.  I kept my composure the best I could; I felt it was my job to stay strong for my family and friends, and more importantly, Adam.      

Everyone gathered around the stage where the principle stood.  He spoke of the details from when Adam went missing the previous Thursday afternoon up until his body was found Sunday morning.  He had disappeared on Thursday during school hours when he had gotten in trouble and was sent to detention.  There were rumors that he was so afraid of getting in trouble with his dad that he took off into the mountains in his grandpas’ truck taking a gun with him.  No one really knew for sure.  Thoughts of Adam consumed my head, making it difficult for me to focus on what the principle was saying, until those words came from his mouth, "Self-inflicted gun shot wound."  I couldn't do it anymore; I couldn't be the strong person for my friends and family anymore.  Tears came from my eyes until they couldn't fall anymore.  Adam had done this to himself, causing a world of hurt for countless people.  The pain in my chest was like none I had ever felt before.  It felt as if I could have been shot too, and the pain would have been the same. 

I had known Adam since kindergarten.  Since the moment I met him on the bus he had been one of my dearest friends.  Adam and I had been on multiple soccer teams together, and he had always been so full of energy and life.  He had the kind of personality that everyone loved.  He would just smile after making a joke and all you could do was smile back at him.  Not one person for as long as he had been alive had ever said anything bad about him.  Everyone loved him.  Eight years had passed, and in one moment of fear and anger, our friendship was ended.  Not many people understood the pain I felt for so long, I didn't even understand how one person could cause me so much pain, but he did.  When Adam committed suicide it completely ripped my world apart, and it made me realize how much I value the people in my life.  People who consider suicide don't realize what they're leaving behind if they complete it.  They leave their family and friends with many hurtful thoughts and unanswered questions--Questions that will never be answered, and thoughts that will re-enter their minds over time.  The pain they leave with people who were in their lives is never fully healed.