WPE Sample "Borderline" Student Essay

in Response to "This is Progress?"

Evaluator Commentary for Essay Below:

The essay below is an example of a "borderline Essay" (it might receive a 3 +3 or a 3+4 with a combined score of 6 (no-pass) or a 7 (lowest score one needs to pass). See the Scoring Guide on WPE menu page.

This essay gets off to a very good start, with an Introduction that briefly summarizes the reading, and then establishes a clear focus/ thesis (the lack of this relates to Problems #1-3 on purple Tips Sheet),

The problem here is one of support. If the writer wants to argue that "progress is beneficial in all aspects of life," in order to disagree with Otten, he/she needs to provide appropriate concrete evidence of positive technological advancements.

What follows her thesis, however, are very dated and general examples: general mention of better travel and information processing in paragraph two, and a mention of medical and scientific advancements without any examples in paragraph 3. The writer offers no concrete, convincing evidence to support the thesis. See Problem #6 on Tips Sheet.

So while the writer offers a strong Introduction with a clear thesis, the essay is very weak in supporting evidence. Remember that since this is not a research paper, a writer find evidence in other ways: personal experience, observation of others, readings in and out of class. One needs concrete, specific evidence--not what "everyone does," but what you or someone you know are aware of did at a specific place on a specific date. After reading this essay, read the other student sample in response to this same prompt to see how specific the evidence/support should be.

Student "Borderline" Essay

Progress is a wonderful aspect of human life. Such advancements in science and technology help to save lives and make day to day work easier. While it is a true that with progress comes small flaws, the benefits of progress far outweigh the often fixable setbacks. Even though Allen Otten, author of "This is Progress?," complains of the minor inconveniences of progress, I'am sure he would not complain if a life saving medecine was discovered. I must disagree with Otten's opinion of progress that states "those wonderful advances in science and technology that leave the world only slightly more snafued than before." (Otten 1) Progress is beneficial to all aspects of life. It does not leave the world more snafued, rather it improves the world.

It is human nature to examine everyday processes and find a way to improve how they are carried out. With improvement comes progress, and with progress is the essential reason why our lives are considerably easier now than they were a hundred years ago. Instead of traveling by train or boat for longer periods of time, we can travel across the ocean or across state in a day. Information can also be sent and processed in a timely manner. We are constantly using progress to our benefit.

Technology is one of the greatest achievement of progress. Advancement technology are used to our advantage. In the workplace a task is made easier and less time consuming. Outside the workplace these progressions may help us save time that would be better spend with family and friends. For example today a letter of important document can be sent electronically across the globe in a matter of seconds. Compare this to the methods used a decade ago and there is little reason to complain when a slight glitch occurs. Despite small problems that can occur with the progression of technology most people can agree that technology is a useful advancement.

Another highly beneficial aspect of progress is advancement in science, and in particular the medical field. New treatments and procedures are discovered and applied daily. Diseases that were not treatable twenty years ago can no be treated and cures. And, while Allen Otten may complain the he has the flu, due to progress in the medical field he won't die from it. Other advancement in science can help to improve the environment and lives of other species. The benefits of scientific progress have an enormous impact on human life.

There in no need to complain about progress. There are no negative aspects of progress. Even if there are minor setbacks we learn and improve, resulting in further progression. Progress does not hinder us form achieving, but pushes us forwards, so we can achieve tasks efficiently and effectively. Progress is what makes our lives better. It improves daily routines, work and health.