Online Writing Lab (OWL) Model Response #1

As you read this model response, note how the tutor uses subheadings in the response format.  I ask that all OWL tutors use this same format.

(See Model Draft #1 )

Date: Mon, 13 May 2002 20:42:46 -0700 (PDT)
From: Theresa Boren <tutor email address here>
To: Student email
Subject: Sergio ---------------, "A Comparison between Hinduism and Christianity"
CC: writelab@emily.eou.edu (Writing Lab)
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Status:

Greetings:

Hello again Sergio,

Hope you had a good weekend. You have made some good changes since the earlier draft. I especially like how you have added the comparison of yoga to prayer. The essay is more focused this time, with a clear thesis at the end of the Introduction.

Once again, if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to e-mail me at (tutor email address here).

Global Comments:

Developing and Explaining--You compared and contrasted Hinduism and Christianity very well. There are just a couple of areas where you could provide some more explanation. For example, could you briefly explain when Hinduism began, and maybe who started the religion, or which god or belief it is based upon? Also, is the Bhagavad-Gita comparable to the Christian Bible? Is it a book, a set of doctrines or teachings? Also, could you provide a brief description of what yoga is, which you introduce in paragraph four? You state that people can ìtranscend over the material world and be in a peaceful state.î How do they accomplish this? With physical maneuvers? Through breathing exercises?

In paragraph three, you write that, "Christianity, on the other hand, usually does not ask the members of that religion to voluntarily break any social or moral law for the sake of religion or religious beliefs. Christianity follows moral and social laws more closely than Hinduism." You provide good examples from the Bhagavad-Gita (you might need to explain what that is) to support your points about Hinduism; in the sentences provided here, could you provide an example from the Bible? Does it state in the Bible any consequences for breaking social or moral laws? Can you think of any laws from our Constitution that reflect long-time Christian rules?

Also, you state good points in your conclusion, but it seems a little bit short after you have written five paragraphs on the comparisons and contrasts of Hinduism and Christianity. Do you feel that believers in the two religions should study one another's religions so that they do not pass judgment on each other? Do there seem to be more differences than similarities, or vice versa?

Analyzing the assignment--It is always good to go back to the terms of an assignment to make sure that you are meeting the assignment requirements.

Here is what the professor is asking, as you wrote in your submission:

"Write about themes (Heroic ideals), comparisons (one character to another,
or one culture or time to another: philosophies of East and West; how are
heros on these stories alike or different from notions of heroism today?).
Or write about issues of form (pattern of the epic hero's journey(,
gender, culture, social or psychological issue (notions of justice),
mythology, or any other critical angle that rings your bell."

I don't see yet where you address the terms here, such heroic ideals. Professors are often looking for students to refer to the themes of a course covered in lectures, so you need to make sure your essay responds directly to the assignment and is connecting the essay to the course material described in the prompt.

So you might want to develop your essay by thinking about the terms of the assignment and how you can bring in these themes.

Local Comments:

I also want to warn you about some repetition.. For example, in the first sentence in paragraph three, you write, "Another difference between the two schools of thought is the difference between right and wrong." In this sentence you use"difference" twice. Can you maybe rewrite to use"difference" only once? For example: "Another difference between the two schools of thought is the teaching of right and wrong" Or, "The two schools of thought also differ in their teachings of right and wrong." In the sentence I provided from paragraph three, you also use "religion" or a form of "religion" three times in one sentence. Maybe you could rewrite to use religion only once again. For example, "Christianity, on the other hand, usually does not ask its members to voluntarily break any social or moral law for the sake of religious beliefs."

Finally, I wanted to make a suggestion about comma usage. In paragraph five, you write, "The Bible teaches about gluttony pride and greed as well as other lessons."î When you have more than two items in a series, you want to use commas between each of those items. In this case, you would have a comma between the items"gluttony, pride, and greed."

Closing:

I hope that these comments will help in your revision. I'm glad that my suggestions on your other papers have been helping you out. I was in the same boat as you when I went to school. I took classes full-time, worked a couple part-time jobs, and raised a daughter, and I managed to graduate! I'm sure that you'll do well in college also.

The best of luck to you!

Theresa Taylor

From: <EOU_Online_Writing_Lab@eou.edu>
To: <writelab@eou.edu>
Subject: Student Name, A comparison between Hinduism and Christianity
Date: Fri, 10 May 2002 07:22:31 -0700
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* * * * * Writing Lab - Initial Student Paper * * * * *
Sergio
Last Name
Student email
208-442-6460
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JuniorENGL107
Ottem
Write about themes (Heroic ideals), comparisons (one character to another,
or one culture or time to another: philosophies of East and West; how are
heros on these stories alike or different from notions of heroism today?).
Or write about issues of form (pattern of the epic hero's journey(,
gender, culture, social or psychological issue (notions of justice),
mythology, or any other critical angle that rings your bell.
6/1/02
Early draft
Development
Compare and contrast
Differences between Christianity and Hinduism according the Bhagavad-Gita
No

Sergio Barrera, A comparison between Hinduism and Christianity

***Indians are depicted, by Western writing, as people with no social
consciousness, universal scripture or ethical code in their religion of
Hinduism. This may be attributed to the teachings of Hinduism and the
differences between their religion and Christianity. There are, however,
similarities between the two religions despite the differences in beliefs.

***One difference between what is taught in the Bhagavad-Gita and modern
Christianity is what happens after death on Earth. The Gita teaches
reincarnation. Souls never die, but are reborn into a different body on
Earth. Modern Christianity believes that a soul goes to either heaven or
hell after living on Earth.

***Another difference between the two schools of thought is the difference
between right and wrong. Hinduism, according to the Gita, requires people
to live by their Dharma, which is their sacred duty. A person disciplined
in mind and soul should do what their Dharma requires giving no heed to
whether it is socially or morally right. Dharma is a required action that
does not regard moral or social law even though the consequences of the
actions are subject to these laws. Christianity, on the other hand,
usually does not ask the members of that religion to voluntarily break any
social or moral law for the sake of religion or religious beliefs.
Christianity follows moral and social laws more closely than Hinduism.

***One similarity between Hinduism and Christianity is yoga and praying.
Yoga is a key concept in the Gita in which a person who is able to do yoga
can transcend over the material world and be in a peaceful state. Praying
could be compared to yoga in which a person has a personal conversation
with god. This is a way for a person to remove himself or herself from
the busyness of life in order to release inner emotion that may be causing
stress

.***Another similarity would be the discipline involved between the two
religions. Hinduism, according to the Gita, requires disciplined
practice. Discipline involves seclusion, without possessions, in
conjunction with controlled diet, thought, and physical activity.
Christianity is similar in that it involves discipline in order to follow
the rules that are taught in the Bible. The Bible teaches about gluttony
pride and greed as well as other lessons, which are very similar to those
teachings in Hinduism.

***Hinduism and Christianity have common ideas that make them good ideals
for people to follow. They do however differ, and these differences are
how people choose which religion they are going to follow.