Closed Doors

She had bruising and pain in her eyes.  Her husband hit her across her face and left her crying in the doorway not knowing what the cause was. I was that women. At one point of my life, but I was able to leave that situation.

     

I have lived in a violent relationship more than one time in my life. I have experienced different ways of how living in a domestic relationship can and will change a person. It is not that women like to be beat-up. Sometimes the women have no hope. Or she is led to believe the lies the abuser tells her. But it is not true. There is help out there.

When I was in the violent relationship, it was not long ago. It was my husband of two years that was my abuser. Anything I did that was not good in his eyes was a good enough reason to be taught a lesson or he would say for example.

That If I went to the store without him and he found out I would be slapped in the face, kicked around until he felt it was enough. No matter how many tears. Or how much I would cry out to him, he would not stop. If we went to the store together to try and avoid a fight and someone was staring, if he noticed he would look at me and say”

DO YOU KNOW THAT PERSON? IS HE ONE OF YOUR LOVERS?YOU KNOW THAT I CAN SELL YOU FOR FIVE DOLLARS JUST BECAUSE I CAN YOU NOTHING BUT A LOW BUDGET MOJO AND I CAN DO BETTER.”

See an abuser knows very well how to use words and actions to hurt and make a victim stay. When I told myself I had enough. I wanted out, it was like he knew that I was trying to get away from him so he would turn around and say to me. “I’M SORRY I WAS UNDER A LOT OF STRESS IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN” or his favorite and most used saying,” I NEED TO SHOW YOU HOW TO BE A REAL WOMAN”.

         

        

I personally think violence is an ongoing thing happening behind closed doors and there are families out there that believe what the abusers put in there heads, like the way my husband did to me by telling me.” NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU AND YOUR CHILDEREN LIKE I DO, YOURE NOTHING BUT AN UGLY PERSON WHO WILL NEVER FIND LOVE.”

I had my awakening experience on Valentines Day of the year 2009. We had not been married long, but living together for two years. We were working just like any other day [my husband is a door to door sales man] we where in Utah. After a nice dinner he had the nerve to end the good day by telling me,” you know now that we are married anything can happen to you and I will get social security like survivors benefits.”

He saw that what he had said to me did not make me upset so he pushed me off the bed and told me sleep on the floor because” that’s where you belong”. With that being said, I did not want any more drama. I did just what he said and told myself I have to keep him happy because I had no other way to get home. By the time morning came I had my things packed up and tried to hold my nerves together and be ready for the long ride home But he was not done yet, while on the freeway he was yelling at me putting me down telling me.

” WHEN WE GET TO IDAHO YOUR GOING TO GET RID OF YOUR KIDS I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLES BASTARDS, AND YOUR NEVER GOING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE TO SEE THEM BECAUSE IF I FIND OUT I WILL KILL YOU”.

 

After he said that I sat in the van trying my best to be quiet and not let my husband see the fear in my eyes as I looked out the window in fear of what would happen next. He picked up a can {I can remember it very well it was a frozen slim fast can chocolate flavor one of his many favorites} and started hitting me with it my side. My leg, my arm. As he was hitting me he was yelling “I DON’T KNW WHY I MARRIED YOU, YOUR NOTHING BUT A LOW BUDGET MOJO AND I CAN DO WAY BETTER THEN YOU THERE IS PLENTY OF BAD ASS BITCHES OUT THERE THAT CAN BE BETTER FOR ME THAN YOU”.

 I tried to open the door as he was driving in hopes that he would stop. But it only made him madder. He tried to push me out the door once, and then he had started to ask me,” are you stupid can’t you see that I love you I’m sorry please close the door”. I did as he asked in hope that he meant what he said .He pulled into a gas station, and as he was getting out I told him I needed to use the restroom. He told me go quick or I will leave you here as I was getting off he yelled out to me in front of a crowd.” TRY NOT TO FUCK ANYONE ON YOUR WAY BACK”.  As he was walking behind me he followed me to the ladies room and stood in the doorway. I stood in his eye view until the door closed behind me.

I walked to the mirror to see what damage he did this time. Just as I lifted my shirt, two ladies walked in. One had seen what I was doing and yelled out,” oh my god!” The other lady dropped her purse. I looked at them both and told them “please not so loud he will hear you”. The ladies both looked at each other and one of the ladies said” I’m going to wait out side with my husband and make sure she is okay”.

The other lady that stayed in the bathroom with me stood by me and was helping me put a cold paper towel on my bruising. As she was helping me, she went to her purse and took out her cell phone and told me,” I can not make the call for you .If you want to stop this pain, you have to make your move before he does worse to you” .As I took one more last look at what he did, I told my self,” NO MORE. I’M DONE CRYING BECAUSE OF SOME ONE ELSE, I’M DONE LIVING IN FEAR.”

After I made my call, the officers came to the gas station to see how I was. They told me, “Can you tell us how to find your husband. Any way to spot him out?” I gave the a very good description of what the van looked like I told them, “ It’s a white van with his logo UNITED GORMENT FOODS.  

It has Idaho plates with the back windows covered black tint. They told me the good news was that the highways are closed. There was no way in or out of Utah that night. After what seemed like a few minutes, the officers had a call on their radio, we have a van that fits the description. It was in a parking lot but there was no driver. They officers then told me” we going to take you to the hospital to get checked out you look pretty banged up.” As I was getting my ride to the hospital the officer told me. “We found your husband. He was hiding in a five foot dumpster and he was arrested “. As I took a last breath of relieve the officer told me “do you have a place to stay tonight”. As I answered him with a simple “no”, he kindly made some calls for me.

I found out later that my husband had told the officers that he wanted to press charges on me. He said that he was sorry and he did hit me, but that I was hitting back. The officer then told me as from what I can see you look worse then him. I looked at him confused because of what he had told me. That my husband had bruises on his face and his shirt was ripped up. I told the officer no way. The officers told me you husband is 6”1 245 pounds.

 There was no way you could do any damage to him, but there is some other news. He wanted us to give you his keys and take his van out of the parking lot. I told the officer” NO “. He then told me your husband is worried about his meat.

I sat there dazed and confused I told the officers I’m his wife so what is his is mine right, the officers told me yes that’s right so I told the officers I’m going to leave the van there because it’s under his mom’s name and I don’t want problems with her. But what’s in side is mine” The officer looked at me with a smile on his face and said,” So what are you going to do”? I told him I’m going to stay a night at a shelter. I want to donate all of the meat to the state of Utah to every place that takes donations. But not to say where it came from. The officer then told me we would pay for your ride back home. But there is some bad news .Your husband can only be held for 72 hours, because the crime was committed on the highway. But your report is good enough for a charge. We will make sure to have you home to your kids before he gets out.

Lives has been more than rough for me as a single mother of six boys, ages verging from six to seventeen I had to do a lot of moving around and make a lot of tough choices for me and my children. I do not regret making these choices. I would not want to change my life back to the way it was before. I know my road is long and rough but I’m happy here. I have recently moved to La Grande, Oregon far from my husband and until this day he has no idea where I live. I made the choice of moving here for myself and my children to give them a better life and for their safety and well being. We have moved here from Caldwell, Idaho with nothing but our clothes on our backs. We left everything in Idaho .I didn’t care about our belongings but I cared more about our lives. When we arrived here in this town we started from the bottom up. We stayed at the shelter [Shelter from the Storm] .The people who work there were very helpful and very loving to my children and me. It was something that we really needed help, not a finger pointed or any bad looks of any kind because of what I felt at the time I let happen for so long.

To talk about the domestic violence is a good feeling to get a chance to tell my story in hope that one day someone that was or might be in my shoes can see that she is not alone, and it helps me to see what happened is in my past. It’s no longer a part of my life and I did to me in my eyes the best thing by standing up for myself and saying had enough of the abuse I can only hope that if there is someone in my position that they can see if I a mother of six children, can get out and make a better life, then why can’t anyone else?