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Quotable
quotes
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(I can't vouch for the sources on all of these ... ) The
world of sports
World o' sports "Nobody
in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein." "I'm
going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." "My
initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then
I realized that I had no character." "You
guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." "That's
so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." "You
guys line up alphabetically by height" "I
play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem
to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through
in school." "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"--George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach "Why
would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton." "I
can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Miscellaneous The enemy is not conservatism. The enemy is not liberalism. The enemy is bullshit." -- Lars Erik Nelson. A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one. --J.Pierpoint Morgan "The Republican party still helps the rich and sticks a knife in the back of the poor." -- Harry S. Truman (1948) "Mere factual innocence is no reason not to carry out a death sentence properly reached." -- Antonin Scalia "The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary." -- H. L. Mencken Politicians are like diapers: they should be changed frequently - and for exactly the same reason. - Anonymous "Men only use thought as authority for their injustice, and use speech only to conceal their thoughts." -- Voltaire "Hypocrisy is the homage that vice pays to virtue." -- La Rochefoucauld "The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness." -John Kenneth Galbraith "Of all the things I've ever lost, I miss my mind the most." -- Steven Tyler
Technoprophets We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology. -- Carl Sagan [S]carcely anyone believes today that Freud was doing science, any more than educated people believe that Marx was doing science, or Max Weber or Lewis Mumford or Bruno Bettelheim or Carl Jung or Margaret Mead or Arnold Toynbee. What these people were doing ... is documenting the behavior and feelings of people as they confront problems posed by their culture. Their work is a form of storytelling. ... Their interpretations cannot be proved or disproved but will draw their appeal from the power of their language, the depth of their explanations, the relevance of their examples, and the credibility of their themes ... there is nothing universally and irrevocably true or false about these interpretations. There are no critical tests to conf irm or falsify them. There are no natural laws from which they are derived. They are bound by time, by situation, and above all by the cultural prejudices of the researcher or writer ... Unlike science, social research never discovers anything. It only rediscovers what people were once told and need to be told again... -- Neil Postman, Technopoly, (1992) Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it. -- Max Frisch Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. -- Rich Cook Rejected Technology and Shortsightedness (http://busboy.sped.ukans.edu/~adams/sciquot.htm) The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.-- Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project. The
only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 'social
sciences' is: some do, some don't. The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. -- Warren Bennis Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 Doing
research on the Web is like using a library assembled piecemeal by packrats
and vandalized But what ... is it good for? -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. -- Western Union internal memo, 1876. The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular? -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. Dear
Mr. President: The
concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible. Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? -- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper. -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." ...we still feel that color is hard on the eyes for so long a picture. -- Frank S. Nugent of The New York Times Film Review in its original 1939 review of Gone With the Wind A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make. -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this. -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.' -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. Professor
Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the
need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. Drill
for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're
crazy. Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. Everything that can be invented has been invented. -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 The
abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion
of the wise and humane surgeon. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. -- Bill Gates, 1981 I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.-- Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project. This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed. -- Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast. Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances. -- Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television. If
excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer,
it seems to be a minor one. For the majority of People, smoking has a beneficial effect. -- Dr. Ian G. Macdonald, Los Angeles surgeon, quoted in "Newsweek", Nov.18th 1963. All truth passes through three stages. First it is ridiculed. Second it is violently opposed. Third it is accepted as being self-evident. --Schopenhauer. Can anyone be so foolish as to believe that there are men whose feet are higher than their heads, or places where things may be hanging downwards, trees growing backwards, or rain falling upwards? Where is the marvel of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon if we are to allow of a hanging world at the Antipodes? -- Lactantius
More miscellaneous "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," - Lewis Grizzard "When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor are hungry, they call me a communist." - Dom Helder Camara Women will change the nature of power, rather than power changing the nature of women. Bella Abzug A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water. Eleanor Roosevelt There
are two kinds of people: those who think they can, and those who think
they can't, and they're both right. Work
like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and
dance as if nobody's watching. It is not our feelings or even our visions that matter. It is instead the quality of our actions. Mary McDermott Shideler Imagination is more important than knowledge. Albert Einstein There is one thing stronger than all the armies of the world, and that is, an idea whose time has come. Victor Hugo We are not going to be able to operate our spaceship earth successfully for much longer unless we see it as a whole spaceship and our fate as common. It has to be everybody or nobody. Buckminster Fuller Look to this day! Yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision. But today, well-lived, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. author unknown There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots, the other is wings. Hodding Carter Jr. Put your heart, mind, spirit and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. Swami Sivananda Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. James Dean It's
important that people know what you stand for. It's equally important
that they know what you won't stand for. "In Germany, the Nazis came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because I'm not a Communist. Then they came for the Jews and I didn't speak up beacuse I was not a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists and I didn't speak up because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics and I was a Protestant so I didn't speak up. Then they came for me. By that time there was no one to speak up for anyone." - Martin Niemoller "Facts are facts and will not disappear on account of your likes." - Jawaharlal Nehru "Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it." - Albert Einstein Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. ~ H. G. Wells Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information upon it. ~ Samuel Johnson "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again. Frances Rodman You always admire what you really don't understand. Eleanor Roosevelt Do what you can with what you have where you are. Theodore Roosevelt Without the means to prevent, and to control the timing of conception, economic and political rights have limited meaning for women. If women cannot plan their pregnwncies, they can plan little else in their lives. Alice Rossi Women
want to be free to choose from the same range of options that men take
for granted. In our quest for equal pay, equal access to education and
opportunities, we have made great strides. But until women can move
freely and think freely in their homes, on the streets, in the workplace
without the fear of violence, there can be no real freedom. Equal
pay for equal work continues to be seen as applying to equal pay for
men and women in the same occupation, while the larger point of continuing
relevance in our day is that some occupations have depressed wages because
women are the chief employee. The former is a pattern of sex discrimination,
the latter of institutionalized sexism. Take the course opposite to custom and you will almost always do well. Jean Jacques Rousseau I find war detestable but those who praise it without participating in it even more so. Romain Rolland (1866-1944) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all. ~ Noam Chomsky Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.~ Ralph Waldo Emerson A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. ~ Mark Twain Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.~ P. J. O'Rourke "People who follow authority are dangerous motherfuckers. More crimes are committed in the name of obedience than disobedience. It's always the people who do what they're told who end up carrying out genocides and gas attacks." --"Bansky", British graffiti artist We live in oppressive times. We have, as a nation, become our own thought police; but instead of calling the process by which we limit our expression of dissent and wonder "censorship," we call it "concern for commercial viability." ~ David Mamet Consistency is the last resort of the unimaginative. Oscar Wilde The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. ~ Hubert H. Humphrey I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members. - Groucho Marx If his father was alive today he'd be turning over in his grave. - Leo Rosten I have more paternity suits than I have leisure suits. ~ Englebert Humperdink It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. ~ Albert Einstein I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. ~ Orson Welles I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat, or a prostitute. ~ Rebecca West, 1913 I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. ~ A. Whitney Brown How did a fool and his money GET together? ~ George Carlin If a cluttered desk signs a cluttered mind, Of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? ~ Albert Einstein Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.~ Erma Bombeck Start every day with a smile and get it over with.~ W. C. Fields History is a vast early warning system. ~ Norman Cousins We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?~ Lee Iacocca I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them. ~ George H.W. Bush I'm
astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough
to find your way around Chinatown. Moral
passion without entertainment is propaganda, and entertainment without
moral passion is television. By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. Confucius There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. Benjamin Disraeli, statesman The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. Albert Einstein Neurosis is the inability to tolerate ambiguity. Sigmund Freud The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. Lucille S. Harper A theory is no more like a fact than a photograph is like a person. Edgar Watson Howe I
have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them. It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation. Herman Melville, american author If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten. B F Skinner , american psychologist When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before. Mae West, american actress Good
people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people
will find a way around the laws. Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. ~ Horace Walpole The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad. ~ Salvador Dali Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." -Mae West "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." - George Carlin The penalty of success is to be bored by people who used to snub you. -- Nancy Astor Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -- Erma Bombeck When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elayne Boosler If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle. -- Rita Mae Brown Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times. Rita Rudner My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. -- Rita Rudner "It's more like it is now than it ever has been." Gerald Ford If you stop to be kind, you must swerve often from your path. -- Mary Webb A gossip is someone who talks to you about others, a bore is someone who talks to you about himself, and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. -- Lisa Kirk Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz The things that come to those who wait may be the things left behind by those who got there first." -- Steven Tyler There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? Dick Cavett "Predictions are difficult to make, especially about the future" Neils Bohr "Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out." --Cardinal Wolsey "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." Einstein "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Einstein Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. Pablo Picasso We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Einstein You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." Einstein "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Sado-masochists should be exempted from the golden rule. (my very own) I was gonna kill myself but I was in strict Freudian analysis and if you kill yourself you have to pay for the sessions you miss" - Woody Allen "And the lamb shall lie down with the lion. But the lamb won't get much sleep." Woody Allen Howard
Scott: Woody
Allen: Groucho
Marx: Tallulah
Bankhead (1903-1968): Ben
Hecht: Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. --Sir Winston Churchill The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office. -- Robert Frost Ugliness is in a way superior to beauty because it lasts. --Serge Gainsbourg, French vocalist Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt. -- Kin Hubbard Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. --Fletcher Knebel Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.... --Dr. A. Lawrence Lowell Everbody
sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does
what he sets out to do. Only the mediocre can always be at their best. - H.L. Mencken For people who like that sort of thing, that is about the sort of thing they would like. - Abraham Lincoln (see "Nice Guys Finish Seventh" by Ralph Keyes) Very nice sort of place, Oxford, I should think, for people that like that sort of place. - George Bernard Shaw Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. Langsam's Laws: 1) Everything depends 2) Nothing is always 3) Everything is sometimes. Religion is a defense mechanism against religious experiences. - Carl Jung I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced; I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor They call television a medium. That's because it is neither rare nor well done. - Ernie Kovacs Your manuscript is both good and original. But the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. - Samuel Johnson If Christ had died in the 20th century, Catholics would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks. - Lenny Bruce The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract. - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. Do not go gentle into that good night, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. - Dylan Thomas I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. --Robert Orben The tendency of an event to occur varies inversely with one's preparation for it. --David Searles Moral indignation is, in most cases, 2% moral, 48% indignation, and 50% envy. --Vittorio de Sica Youth is wasted on the young (paraphrased G.B. Shaw) Ah!
Don't say that you agree with me. When People agree with me I always
feel that I must be wrong. I couldn't help it. I can resist everything except temptation. --Oscar Wilde, from Lady Windermere's Fan I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse. -- Dave Barry An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. -- Alfred A. Knopf Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it. -- Montaigne Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. -- Lewis Mumford Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected. -- Robert Orben A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination. -- Arthur Wing Pinero I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. -- Rita Rudner Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork and picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. -- Tom Stoppard "The Lord had the wonderful advantage of being able to work alone." Kofi Annan, UN Sec. Gen., answering why he had not implemented organizational reforms after five months when 'God created the universe in seven days',1997 Now
the only thing standing between you and a degree is, well, me. And 18
minutes. I will try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a prospective commencement speaker. "Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake" he said. "They need you in order to have the party, but no one expects you to say very much." Anthony Lake, national security advisor, at University of Massachusettes, Amhurst, Grad. 1995 "A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business." - Shelley Berman "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison "Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner "Anytime
four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery
has just taken place."
Bertrand Russell: ° Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric. ° Happiness is not best achieved by those who seek it directly. ° Conventional people are roused to fury by departures from convention, largely because they regard such departures as a criticism of themselves. ° I think it unlikely that God would possess so uneasy a vanity as to be offended by my views about his existence. ° It's a waste of energy to be angry with a man who behaves badly, just as it is to be angry with a car that won't go. ° The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way. Persecution is used in theology, not in arithmetic. ° No one gossips about other people's secret virtues. ° One should respect public opinion in so far as is necessary to avoid starvation and to keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny. ° Sin is geographical. ° To acquire immunity to eloquence is of the utmost importance to the citizens of a democracy. ° To be without some of the things you want is an indispensible part of happiness.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. Probably the worst time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that, though... it's been a good day. ..and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." I'm a great lover, I'll bet. People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas... I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?" You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists. I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. The
other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on
television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the
other way." I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family." I
was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do
it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well,
there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I
said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said,
"Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian
or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me
too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are
you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church
of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I
said, "Me too! Are you At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference." A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it. You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?" People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi. My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. Oh, yes...I've tried my hand at sex. .
Henry Kissinger The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer. The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small
You can observe a lot just by watchin'." "Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical" "I want to thank all those who made this night necessary." "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded." Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." "In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is." He's a big clog in their machine. It's like deja-vu, all over again.
Stephen Wright Last
night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. In
my house, there's this one light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
now and then, I flick it on and off... The other day, I got a call from
a woman in Detroit. She said, `Cut that out.'
Bumper stickers "Change is inevitable, unless you're expecting it from a vending machine." IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER. I
want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car ... 182,000 miles per second-not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE. ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY.
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS. DIPLOMACY IS THAT ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...'TIL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they anticipate the trip. I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES. "When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS." "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Stupidity and other inspirations "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts." Bertrand Russell Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. -- Oscar Levant I've never looked forward to a birthday like I'm looking forward to my new daughter's birthday, because two days after that is when I can apply for reinstatement. Pete Rose, baseball player and prison inmate, 1989 "Everyone rises to their level of incompetence." The Peter Principle, Dr. Lawrence J. Peter Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity. Unknown? Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public." H.L. Mencken "If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." Dorthy Parker: Nothing
more clearly show how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth,
money, position and other wordly goods, than the way he distributes
these, and the sort of men who are most amply provided with them. "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure." Mark Twain "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. Polish Proverb It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. ~ Dorothy Parker But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. ~ Carl Sagan
Putdowns Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. You're starting to sound reasonable... Better check my medication. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Anonymous words of Wisedom Eagles
may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. No matter what hits the fan, it's never distributed evenly. If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you. An ounce of pretention is worth a pound of manure. Question Authority and the authorities will question you. A company is known by the people it keeps. Most of the time we don't communicate; we just take turns talking. Q:
What's the male equivalent of the maternity dress? Anyone can count the seeds in an apple. No one can count the apples in a seed. Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience--well, that comes from poor judgment The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity. The rest is overhead for the operating system. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks. "Do you want fries with that order?" If
thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum. --Anonymous If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. (Tallulah Bankhead?) The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from. Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of. Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. Remember when it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
Better
be ill spoken of by one before all than by all before one. Better
to light a candle than to curse the darkness Don't
speak unless you can improve on the silence. Don't
throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water.
Forget
injuries, never forget kindnesses. Go
often to the house of a friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path.
If
you are patient in a moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days
of sorrow. Time
is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Politics If Bob Barr (conservative republican congressman from Georgia) caught on fire and I was holding a bucket of water, it would be great act of discipline to pour it on him. I would do it, but I'd hate myself in the morning. - Barney Frank (Dem, Maryland) 1999 The
most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after
the revolution. Voltaire
(1694-1778): Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past. George Orwell Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything. Joseph Stalin Aesop: Nikita
Khrushchev: Groucho
Marx (1890-1977): All power is a trust; that we are accountable for its exercise; that from the people and for the people all springs, and all must exist. Benjamin Disraeli Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along... All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. - Hermann Goering, 1936 Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders. Bob Inglis, 1995. Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made. --Otto von Bismarck Democracy is the worst possible political system, except for all the others. Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name. -- Henry Kissinger
Proverbs If
you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for
revealing them to the trees. In
case of doubt it is best to lean to the side of mercy. No
one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water
that we can see. Don't
think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm. Smooth
seas do not make skillful sailors. Tell
me and I'll forget. Show me, and I may not remember. Involve me, and
I'll understand. Vision
without action is a daydream. Action with without vision is a nightmare.
Where
God has his church the Devil will have his chapel. You
can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. Love
your neighbor, but don't tear down your fence.
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." "Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is the lightening that does the work." - Mark Twain "Wagner's music is better than it sounds." In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. ~ Mark Twain "Buy land. They've stopped making it." "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." "One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives." As Mark Twain approached his death he was seen reading the Bible, most unusual for him. Someone asked him if he was repenting as his time drew near. Twain replied, "No, I'm looking for loopholes."
from Dan Quayle Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. Dan Quayle, IN senator and US vice president, during a speech in Hawaii, 1989 "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime. ~ Vice President Dan Quayle while at a job training center in Atlanta 10/13/92. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." "Welcome
to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." (during a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund..."a mind is a terrible thing to waste"...) "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century" "I
believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy
- but that could change." "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." [not a beacon of literacy though]-Quayle xmas card "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." "We
don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." "People
that are really weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous
impact on history." "We
have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." "I
am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." "Murphy
Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a
job next year." "For NASA, space is still a high priority." "Quite
frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
Quotes by the twice elected Mayor of Washington, DC: "The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather." "I promise you a police car on every sidewalk." "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate." "First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl." "Bitch set me up." "I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less." "The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist." "I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?" "People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: Are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are." "The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice." "I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican." "What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" "People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!" "I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
This
posting claims the following are actual excerpts from officer
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity." "I would not breed from this Officer." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar." He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately." "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." "Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig." "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
This is a commencement address given by Mary Schmich and originally published in the Chicago Tribune on Sunday, June 1, 1997 (it's been wrongly attributed to Kurt Vonnegut) Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97: Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss.. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. Respect
your elders. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. But trust me on the sunscreen.
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